9.26.2011

i hate to be cliched and call this music monday, but...



John Green introduced me to this song, and I simply cannot stop listening. Seriously, this girl has some beautiful music (I also love this one and this one), and she plays about six different instruments, which just blows my mind. I have to say, she's one of the best new lyricists I've heard in a while. In fact, she reminds me a bit of Regina Spektor {which is a high compliment, coming from me}. If you watch John Green's vlogs as regularly as I do, you should've already heard of her. If you don't watch his videos, then get off my blog.

Just kidding, but for real, that man is brilliant and nerdy and hilarious, and the only excuse you have for not watching his videos is that you've never heard of him. And you just lost that excuse.  You'd better start familiarizing yourself with NerdfighteriaStart with this video and work your way down.

Or else.

Okay, I should probably stop threatening my tiny handful of readers or soon I will just be talking to myself...

In other news, next Monday I will be watching the phenomenal Death Cab for Cutie in concert {!!!!!}. I promise there will be lots of pictures and lots of gushing to come. But today they just released their new video for "Stay Young, Go Dancing," and I have to admit, I never realized just how much I wanted someone to dance with until now. The video kind of makes me melt a little. 
So for your viewing pleasure:


Have a great week, guys!
 I'm still trying to work on this awful English paper, so I may be posting a lot just to avoid it

At least I have my priorities straight, right?

9.25.2011

there's no such thing as second chances.


I'm not the type of person who constantly wishes she could relive parts of her life. I never have been. I mean, I'm more or less happy with who I am, and I know that everything in my life up until this point has made me this person. 

But still.

At this point, I'm not sure I would object to a do-over. Not of my entire life (Making it through high school again? No way). Maybe just the last three years. I can't help but wonder where I would be if I had made different choices. If I had the chance, there is just so much I would do differently.

Of course, this is irrelevant, because I can't change the past. It's just that sometimes I want to know if I'd be happier in another life, a life where I hadn't tried to please everyone at the expense of myself, and one in which I did what I wanted, insecurities be damned

But maybe I was destined for this life. Maybe I never really had a choice in anything. Maybe I was always meant to be where I am now.

And maybe I feel this way because I know that everything I've done up to this point in my life has led me to this moment, a moment when I am forced to write a horrendously evil English paper due on Thursday.

Sigh.

I suppose I'd better stop stalling and get to work.

9.19.2011

blergh blergh blergh

i ♥ tea























So tired.

Can't speak in complete sentences.

I hate cold season.

Seriously, I am dangerously susceptible to getting colds. Like, at least two colds a year, usually three. And my colds just seem to linger. I'll be violently coughing for weeks now, which {let me tell you} does not present a happy outlook for the near future.

I don't think my Nyquil dosage from last night has let go of me yet, because here I sit my computer, attempting to read and yet dosing off in between the sentences. All I can think about is nap, nap, nap. It's a running marquis in my head. And I think I'm starting to go a bit cross-eyed from lack of focus.

I so don't have time to be sick right now. When all I feel like doing is curling up in bed with a hot cup of tea and sleeping the day away, it is almost cruel that I have to leave the warm safety of the covers and stumble my way to campus. 

But no time for sleeping.  I need to adjust the mental marquis. 

Work, work, work.

There, that's better. Or, not really, but I'll try to stay optimistic.

Haha, me, optimistic? Yeah right.

Hope everyone else is healthy and energized and ready for the week! 

And, a bit of advice, wash your hands like crazy this fall. Trust me, you'll thank me later when you're not lying in bed with boxes of Kleenexes. 

9.12.2011

this post turned into something i was definitely not expecting...

So I was struck by the urge to write today.
I got onto my computer and opened a new post.
And I sat here.
And stared.
And then sat here some more.
My fingers wouldn't stretch to meet the keyboard.

Writer's block.

Which is crazy, because I know I have all these words struggling just beneath the surface, fighting to push their way out. Sometimes you just have to write or you'll explode, you know? But this is not really a diary, and perhaps I can't always rely on that. I'm lacking inspiration right now.

I guess you could say I'm in a limbo of sorts.

Now,  I promise it's not like this summer. This is not me whining about hating summer or being bored or trying to get out of an existential rut. I just find myself in a bit of a weird place this semester. 

First, it's finally hitting me that I only have two more years left of college and only three semesters left at the University of Kansas. Not only that, but I'm already done with almost 1/4 of the fall semester. My college life is flying by, and I'm starting to make plans for The Future and I'm terrified and excited and so so not ready. And it's not just that, but my wanderlust is crippling. In a few months, I'll be leaving everything behind to study for a semester in a new city in a new country on another continent. 

I'm taking an English class right now about journeying and the traveller's experience {fitting, I know}. But it's not just the journey itself that we focus on but also the homecoming. And something my professor said has stuck fast in my mind:

"The home you leave is never the home you return to."



I'm so eager to leave, but at the same time I know life will go on without me while I'm gone, and I can't help but wonder if I'll be the same person when I return. If my friends will be the same people. If you don't change together, will you grow apart? What if I come home to find that my home has moved on? Or I've moved on? 
Where do you go from there?

I'm afraid that this is my last semester as "me." Which is stupid, because I know that I'll always be me. I don't think I could be anyone else. But, as much as I know I've changed in the last few years, I still don't feel like I've moved much. Or, I don't know, I'm still the same person with the same values and self-righteousness and the big, naive dreams. I've never really been on my own. I went to a college only 30 minutes away from my parents with my best friend. I've always known that, if I really needed something, I had people I could turn to. When I go overseas, I will truly be alone, and I think that, perhaps, I may do things a little differently when I don't have that safety net to fall back on. 


Being on my own may force me to, I don't know, become my own person, I guess? Live for me and not for the benefit of someone else. And this is definitely not a bad thing. It's just new. And new can be scary. Will I be content to return to my old life after my adventure is over? Or will home mean something different to me? Will I mean something different to myself?

Okay, I lied, this did turn into another existential crisis. I don't know how this happened. I thought I'd just talk about my weekend or something. I suppose this is what you get when I'm jittery with too much coffee way too early in the morning. I promise I won't do this to you guys all the time. My next post will be something shallow and superficial, like whether or not I should keep my side bangs or if I should color-code my closet.

Hope you guys have a lovely week, and I'll see you soon. 

9.08.2011

i'm kind of a big spaz.

like, seriously.
i talked with the study-abroad director about my plans for next spring.
and by the end of the meeting, i am completely freaking out.
like,
oh my god, i need to fill out the application as soon as i get home, even though i can't even submit it for another week and it's not due until october 1 and i've practically been guaranteed i'll get in.
and i need to start on those scholarships, too. because writing a two-page, double-spaced essay is going to take me FOREVER.
and, gasp, i need to start budgeting right now. this weekend. even though the budgeting guides won't be available until monday. 
and i have 5 entire weeks for spring break??! what am i going to do? where am i going to go? should i plan that now or should i wait? definitely plan that now. right now, in fact. before everything else. because this is what really matters, non?

seriously, i need to chill or i'm going to start hyperventilating. my head is spinning and i'm going a bit cross-eyed from a
total lack of sleep as it is.
but chilling out isn't really something i specialize in.
oh, boy.
i need therapy.

9.05.2011

night swim.

I just want to wrap myself up in the changing of the seasons.

Today was the first cool day in SO long, the first promise of the approaching fall. And I love fall. So so much. Fall is all cardigans, hot cider, football games, red leaves, whistling wind, pumpkin pancakes, jack-o-lanterns, bonfires, warm socks and cozy nights. And of course, if I'm really lucky, the first snowfall. Everything about this season ignites me. It makes me feel truly truly alive after such a long, unrelenting, scorching summer. 
I can finally breathe again.

Tonight it was a chilly 50 degrees — perfect for swimming. I know, I can practically hear all of you guys saying, You're crazy. But you don't understand. My mother cranked the heater in our pool until it was a toasty 88 degrees. The outside air was sharp and crisp and it bit at our skin as we ran out laughing in our bathing suits to take safety in the warmth of the water. The steam drifted in a mist above the surface of the pool, and the air smelled of chlorine and old memories and the coming frost. And while I may complain about living in the middle of nowhere, there is one thing we have that no city-dweller can boast. The night around us is as black as ink; no city lights can travel far enough to touch our own little corner of the world. And it's this time of year when the sky is the clearest, when the millions of tiny pinpricks of starlight are the most vivid, the most intense. The Milky Way stretches across the heavens directly over my house, and dusted clusters of stars are scattered in its wake. If there's one thing about this place I'll miss when I move away, it's this.

Tonight, our yard-lights were off and the night sky was cloudless and all we could do was float and smile, captivated by the constellations and content to just be together

Sometimes, on beautiful nights like this, our massive sky is almost too much for me. 
A girl could get lost in the crushing infinity of it all. 

9.03.2011

because in my head there's a greyhound station, where I send my thoughts to far off destinations, so they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here.

scattered leaves


It's strange how quickly time passes when you're not paying attention. It passes even faster when you are. No matter how tight a grip you keep on it, it still manages to slide through your fingertips and fall away like water over a dam. Just one year can alter you beyond your sense of self. Days, weeks, months begin to fade into the background, becoming blurs of voices and places and vague memories and clouded dreams, and while some seconds can last an eternity, you suddenly find yourself one year older standing in the same spot but a million miles away from where you used to be. 

You grow up and move on with the rest of the world.

And of course you know you can never go back. You don't even want to. But the future is terrifying, unknown, always looming just out of the corner of your sight, waiting to swallow you whole. There's comfort in nostalgia, safety in your former mistakes. Perhaps that is why some people get stuck and can't move on from the life they used to have. The past is the one constant we have. It will never change, never leave you. But at the same time, there is nothing there for us. There's no life in life you've already lived. 

And the future holds nothing but life.

So while it's foreign and uncertain and even unwelcoming, it's the only place you can go. And that's the great thing about the future. It's not a destination, not a place you can arrive. The future is always before you, and because of this, there's always the promise of even more happiness just ahead. 

It's simply waiting for you to stretch out your arms and seize the opportunities.

Title song: "Soul Meets Body" -Death Cab for Cutie

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