1.29.2013

i wanted to stop after 25. {part 2 of the most ridiculous assignment ever}


I AM…
 …too argumentative for my own good.
…a traveler in my head and a homebody in my heart.
…happiest when I stay up until 4 a.m. reading because I simply cannot put my book down.
…terrified of heights, but I love a great view.
…a city girl born and raised in the country.
…so thankful for all the amazing opportunities I’ve had in my life.
…smart and driven, but tempered by a penchant for procrastinating.
reserved, but certainly not shy.
…nostalgic about yesterday and yet too concerned with tomorrow.
…a know-it-all, although I try to tone down my inner Hermione.
…comfortable in who I am, with the good and the… well… not so good…
…an incorrigible dreamer with a realist’s façade.
…an unapologetic geek who still relishes a well-placed Harry Potter reference.
…still unable to figure out where the last 3 ½ years of college went.
…hoping to move to New York City after graduation, and I’ve never been apprehensive about anything in my life.
…kind of a cheapskate about everything — except when it comes to books, against which I have absolutely no willpower.
…so hungry right now that I’m having trouble focusing on this assignment.
…a pushover for sarcastic men who don’t have a chip on their shoulder. 
…afraid I’ll never do anything meaningful in life.
…never scared while watching horror films, but in real life I jump at everything.
…cynically romantic, which constantly puts me at odds with myself.
…fairly certain I would have dominated putting that golden monkey together in “Legends of the Hidden Temple.”
oddly fascinated by the concept of dried ice cream.
…a vicious Sorry player when I’m competing with my roommates.
…incapable of admitting someone else is right, even when I know they are. 
 
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I WANT TO BE…
…happy in my life, no matter which direction it turns.
…a book publisher, although I have no idea how I’ll make that happen.
…completely alive in life, not sleeping through it.
…in love as much as my parents love each other.
…content, but never complacent enough to forget to challenge myself.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer {and perhaps this is something I shouldn’t admit}.
…as interesting an adult as my aunt, who has instilled in me the same adventuring spirit that took her traveling around the world.
…in Scotland, right now, because even after visiting only for two days, I’ve felt more connected with myself there than anywhere else in the world.
…a writer, a listener, and a collector of stories that give me goosebumps and makes my heart race.
…an expert cake-maker, although I should probably learn to bake first.
…a lifelong learner who never loses the thrill of a new discovery.
…successful, but I cannot yet define what that means.
…a person who may fear change but accepts change anyway.
…in a real-life musical, where my friends and families {and professors} spontaneously burst into song at improper moments.
a witch at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
…pale forever, because I don't think I could pull of the skin-cancer look.
…rich enough to build myself the library from “Beauty and the Beast.”
…perfect, and it’s hard to accept that I can’t.
…done with my religions class, as sitting through the lecture is akin to pulling my eyelashes out one at a time.
…quirky, but not indie-movie quirky, which has actually become commonplace and is therefore not quirky at all.
…one of those people who still sends letters instead of emails.
…a fly on the wall in top-secret CIA divisions.
…cartoonized and put in an episode of “Adventure Time.”
…confident that everything will work out, but I suppose that’s impossible.
…done with this assignment.

1.28.2013

writing about myself should be easier. i mean, i have a blog. {part 1 of the most ridiculous assignment ever}

So, oddly enough, the first assignment for my design class had absolutely nothing to do with design. We were instructed to write 100 sentences about ourselves to turn in next class period. I was like, whatever, I'll just watch "Gilmore Girls" and read all weekend and I'll knock out those sentences Monday night. 

Bad move.

What I thought would be an hour assignment stretched to five hours, making me realize just how boring I really am as I struggled for ideas after about 20 sentences. And only when I was finishing my list did I discover that this assignment was credit/no credit... 

via vlinspiratie
 
I LIKE…
 …the feel of the pages of a book almost more than the story itself.
…to debate, anything, everything, even things I don’t actually believe.
…that certain songs will always connect me with people and places I would otherwise forget.
…the violent green of the grass and leaves after a spring thunderstorm.
…verbal sparring, as I’m a sucker for good wit.
…that I got over that weird rocker-girl phase from high school.
…to lay on my driveway on cold nights and watch satellites navigate the sky.
…that words can paint pictures sometimes better than pictures themselves.
…my coffee like I like my oxygen: in the room at all times.
…porridge more than oatmeal, and apparently the rest of America disagrees with me, as I can never seem to find it.
…that my little brother can have real, deep conversations, even though he’s only 15 years old.
…high heels in theory, but in practice they really, really suck. 
…that I can maintain a close relationship with my parents even when I live thousands of miles away.
that I cannot hide my feelings from my best friend.
…feeling healthy, but I hate dieting.
…basically any fluffy animal, except my neighbors’ dog, who is the embodiment of evil.
…that moment when you’re ripping open a gift but don’t yet know what’s inside.
to make an igloo under the covers on particularly cold nights.
…strawberry ChapStick more than any colored lipstick.
… listening to books on tape while I work out.
…taking walks in the snow on softly lit sidewalks in dark and quiet neighborhoods.
…studying to white noise, because everything else is just a distraction.
…the smell of caves, and yes, I realize how weird this sounds.
…the concept of tattoos, but I doubt I’ll ever find anything I’d want displayed on my body forever.
…that I still have a few more months of being a “kid” before I’m forced out into the Real World.


I DISLIKE…
…spiders, but I dislike killing them more.
…book snobs, as I’m an equal-opportunity reader.
…basketball, and hide in fear from KU students every time I confess it.
…mornings until I’ve had at least two hours to process the fact that I can't go back to bed.
…my constant worrying about what my future may bring.
…my proclivity to start projects and never finish them.
…pet stores, as I can’t handle all the sad puppy faces needing a home I cannot give.
…that I would rather stay home and watch movies than go out and party, but hey, at least I’m saving money.
…that it’s so hard for me to think of things to say about myself; does this mean I’m boring?
…bigoted people who don’t even recognize their own hypocrisy.
…most soda, but I’ll take sparkling grape juice over just about anything.
…that so many of my friends are starting to get married, because seriously, what’s the rush?
…that my love of books means I have to lug around my library in heavy boxes every time I move.
…pastel colors {which to me look like the Easter Bunny threw up}.
…bragging but believe it is also possible to be too humble.
…the heat and the humidity, but today I’m craving summer.
…most kids, but if I do have one someday, I want either Matilda or that kid from “James and the Giant Peach.”
…saying goodbye to friends whom I know I will probably never see again.
…ruining the possibilities of a new, blank journal by writing in it.
…the feel of long nails against my skin.
…physical card games but love playing spider solitaire on my phone.
…to clean, but I am an obsessive-compulsive organizer.
those trashy dark jeans with the white thread seams.
…waking up five minutes before my alarm, because then I just lie there and curse the world until it goes off.
…touching the bottom of a pond or lake with my bare feet.

1.23.2013

heaven doesn't seem far away anymore.


Sometimes nostalgia comes in ripples. Brief glimpses of déjà vu, the hint of a smile at a remembered moment and a realization that you can never go back to before. 

Today there were no ripples. 

Today was a tidal wave

One year ago right now, I was squirming in my seat, exhausted and anxious and sick to my stomach and yet completely unable to close my eyes for fear of missing a second of my grand adventure {or dying in a horrible, fiery plane crash}. The lights in the plane's cabin were off; everyone seemed to be asleep {although how anyone can sleep sitting vertical in coach is beyond me}. The only sound around me was the muted roar of the plane cutting through the air tens of thousands of feet from the ground. I just sat there, clutching my brand new leather journal in my lap, desperately wanting to record my every thought and emotion but too terrified to write a single word.

I was on my way to England to spend the next four months. I was leaving — truly leaving — the only home I've ever known for the first time in my life. I was on my own.

I miss England. I miss stupid, ridiculous things about it. I miss riding into town on the second level of a bus going 60 miles an hour, swearing objects on the side of the road were jumping out of our way and feeling like I had just fallen into a Harry Potter novel. I miss English book covers, because let me tell you, they are so much classier than ours. I miss porridge with golden syrup every morning, and their weird peanut butter the consistency of cookie dough. I miss carrying around buckets of coins and cute undersized paper money. I even miss the freaking rain and endless dampness. It's funny how sometimes the things you hate can become the things you miss when life gets monotonous back home.

I miss all of this. And most of all the people.
 {Or the accents. Can't really decide which.}

But don't confuse my nostalgia with sadness. Having that experience in my past has made me so much more comfortable in who I am than I was one year ago right now.

One year ago right now, I was more frightened than I've ever been in my 22 years of living.

And one year ago right now, I had no idea of what an amazing journey it would be.

Title song: "A Drop In the Ocean" ~ Ron Pope 


1.08.2013

talking my head out of the oven. {while refraining from other jokes of poor taste.}

























I dub the upcoming few months as The Semester Without A Spring. I was going to call it The Semester In Which Sarah Has No Time To Enjoy The Loveliness Of The Season Because She Is Desperately Scrambling To Get Her Life Together Before Graduation In May, When She REALLY LEGITIMATELY Needs To Have Her Life Together Or She Will Starve To Death, but I thought that seemed a little too long.
Now I mourn those golden early-college years when having a month off for winter break seemed absurdly overkill. Sadly, I have grown past such childish feelings as “boredom” and “restlessness” toward winter break, and the fact that I only have a week and a half left before my seemingly perpetual sense of don’t-even-try-to-have-a-life-because-you’ll-just-be-kidding-yourself-and-no-one-likes-a-kidder takes root full-force in my mind again. I suppose I am now living for The Great Chicago Shopping Spree of Spring Break 2013, because winter break has disappeared behind endless spreadsheets and PDF files and hour lunch breaks. Ah, the joys of full-time work I can look forward to after graduation!
But enough with whiney, oh-woe-is-my-terribly-difficult-middle-class-life Sarah. This is the semester to be proactive! {Damn, I tried, but I cannot use exclamation points without it coming off ironically, because exclamation points blow with enough force to power a million windmills}. But seriously, I’m trying to galvanize myself here, and as the compulsive list maker–type, there is only one way I can do that:
Steps to take in order to graduate on time, achieve self-actualization, and attain world peace*
1.       Sit down and finish that elusive thesis. I mean it, stop watching and ridiculing {all the while secretly enjoying} ridiculously long episodes of “The Bachelor” with your mother and just get ’r done. At this point it’s a bit pathetic {both that you’re still working on your thesis and that you’re still watching “The Bachelor"}.
2.       Organize yo’ self. In the next five months, you have appointments to make, taxes to fumble through {hopefully without having the IRS called on you}, a car to sell {if someone can talk your beloved first car out of your cold, steering wheel–gripping hands}, Future Plans to nail out {hell, at least sketch out}, and, you know, classes that you probably shouldn’t fail. It’s at least marginally important that you untie those knots in your stomach and just focus on one thing at a time.
3.       If Plan A doesn’t work out, make another Plan A. Don’t settle for a Plan B. Those generally suck.
4.       Make money. But really. As it turns out, food and clothing and housing are not actually free most of the time, unless you can be satisfied with the local homeless shelter. And just as a reminder, you don’t really like communal sleeping arrangements, as sometimes people forget to bathe. Remember Munich?
5.       Go to class. {This step could be dropped if need be; if so,  please refer back to #2 for further guidance.}
6.       Take a Mental Health Day every now and then. You only have one senior year of college. Don’t waste it wrapped up in your own worries. Pet a puppy, buy a book {or two, or three}, watch a few Buffy marathons. Or at least try not to go crazy too soon into the semester. Even Silvia Plath would tell you it should be a slow process.


*Disclaimer: This list does not claim to be a comprehensive outline toward fulfilling all three of these goals. Although it can’t hurt.

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