8.18.2013

swim until you can't see land.



Sometimes we struggle to keep afloat in the perpetual flood of the days of our lives. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we can't keep up, and we're just dragged along by the current, swept away to a future far beyond our control. Sometimes, we drown.

And then sometimes, life seems to put itself together while we just stand on the banks and watch, slightly bemused and out of breath from chasing the flow.

It's disconcerting to see everything work out right in front of my eyes while I'm frozen, shocked that things are going right when I know I have no claim to luck; I've been too lucky already, and I still feel as if I'm stuck on the sidelines, waiting for that luck to run out. Have I struggled enough? "Easy" is unnerving, because it blinds you to what is to come, because it lures you into safe arms and then leaves you with nothing when it's gone...

New city. New apartment. New job. New friends. All in just a few months. Was it easy?

And I wonder, how did I get here, warm in new covers of a new bed, reading old favorites and reminiscing about every mistake and leap of faith that led me to this point?

Tomorrow I start a new job as an editorial assistant in the biomedicine department at Springer. Not only do I get to live and breathe in the city I've dreamed about for so long, but I get to work with some of the smartest people while doing what I love.

And yet, I am crossing a threshold that separates everything I've ever known from everything I've ever dreamed. I cannot go back. Although I still feel like a child, I have to be an adult. 

I have to swim.

But for someone who's grown up with a pool in their backyard, there could be worse fates than swimming.

Title song: "Swim Until You Can't See Land" – Frightened Rabbit

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